Ramblings for the week

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I think I have a handle on the pain again.  It doesn’t come often anymore.  There are the threats, the little twinges that make want to panic… but so far I’ve kept them from going any further.  I’ve been taking the St. Johns Wort, Skullcap and Chloroxygen (have I mentioned that yet?) at least three times per day, and have just begun adding in Ashwaganda.

I’m tired.  Most all of the time, I’m tired.  I realize that I’m still not prioritizing sleep like I need to.  I stay up too late, despite what my body is saying about it.  I sleep in in the morning, but fitfully disturbed by the goings on, so that it doesn’t make a difference to how I feel.  I fail to take a nap when my body says that it’s necessary.

I am realizing how much I need sleep.  When I kicked the Fibromyalgia in 2008 sleep was a top priority.  I kept the lights off, sticking with candles, and this helped me realize when the day was over and it was time to let it go.  I rarely stayed up past 10, and usually went to bed just after the kids.  Silence is silence whether your awake for it or not, and the world did not come to an end when I put sleep as the number one priority.

I’ve been drinking a few cups of coconut water every day, and got a humidifier to help with staying hydrated.  It makes such a big difference.  Even when I think I’ve had enough, I always find that downing a quart of water or two when the pain starts to rise can make all the difference.

I remembered recently that in 2008, as I was coming out of the FM I was taking California Poppy pretty regularly.  I haven’t tried that this time, though I’m not sure why I feel resistant to it.  Strange.  I was so much sicker then than I’ve let myself get this time.  Stupid, really, to let myself get this far when I know how to make it gone, but it is what it is.  I couldn’t walk then.  I sometimes worried that the pain would rise and I would finally start to scream with it and not be able to stop.  I was afraid that the pain could literally break me in two.  That there would be no limit.  I think it was this fear that led me to the Buddhist writings on end of life pain.  The common depiction of cancer was all that I knew that was like the pain of Fibromyalgia, so that is where I started.  When I was diagnosed, almost two decades ago, no one knew what it was.  Now everyone knows.  There are drugs specifically for it.  Billboards and commercials. This scares me more I think.

I’ve been eating tamales from a cart in town.  I shouldn’t, and I know this.  I don’t know what is in them…. what kind of oil they use, what kind of corn, what contaminants could be in them.   It doesn’t matter really.  I know that cornflour it too taxing and I should stay away from it.  It’s just like me though, to get away with as much as I can.  It’s harder for me to convince myself of how much happier I am living a life of food deprivations, but filled with energy, vitality and ease of movement.  It’s too easy to fall into what I know.  To allow the pain, to accept it, to take the little pleasures where I can and believe that that is all that life can hold for me.

This week I’m focusing on keeping a quart jar of water with me all the time and refilling it at least three times before I go to bed.  And of not trying to drink two of them when I should be asleep already 🙂

I’m focusing on the life I want rather than the cheap thrills of food that will wear me down and entertainment that will keep me up when I should be sleeping.  I’m grateful that I dumped the TV so many years ago that I won’t ever bring it back and there is one less obstacle.

I’m seeing a physical therapist that is going to help me design a “workout” that my body can handle without causing pain… stretches and bends, simple things to begin.  We found one that would trade with us so that we don’t have to try to finance more things for my health.

I ran out of fermented cod liver oil about a week ago and I notice the difference.  I’m glad that the new bottles just arrived.  It gives me energy and eases the pain when it threatens to flare.

I really need to get back on with the herbal infusions.  I ordered the herbs from Mountain Rose Herbs, and they are on their way.  It’s just a matter of making the brews each day and then drinking them.

Sleep, water, coconut juice, water, herbs, water, sleep, water… recipe for better days…  I don’t know how I did it all before, not knowing how it would turn out… not knowing if I’d ever be free from the misery, because it is so hard now, even though I’ve done it already… even though I know that I will be free of it again.

To our health, Rebels

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