Monthly Archives: May 2011

Walking the Walk


It is one thing to know what you have to do, and another completely to actually do it.  Consistency is a matter even beyond that.

Having successfully healed from Fibromyalgia and it’s corresponding depression, anxiety, exhaustion, etc.  I know what I have to do.    You might think that this would make it easier.  And yet, I still struggle with disbelief, and the myriad of other hurdles that keep people from making the choices that they want to be making.   I know that I feel dramatically better when I drink herbal infusions each day, when I take my fermented cod liver oil and probiotics consistently.  I know that sugar makes me feel sluggish with bouts of depression, irritability and heightened sense of stress and fear, and yet, I still eat bits of chocolate bar almost every night; telling myself that because it is dark, organic, fair trade and unrefined it is okay.  Well, it’s not likely to kill me, but it’s not going to allow me the feeling of health and strength that I want so badly.   The sometimes intense cravings for baked goods haven’t subsided yet either.

The healthiest I have ever felt was when my diet was completely free from all grains, additives and sugar.  I drank infusion and many glasses of water each day, took my probiotics and oils, went for regular acupuncture treatments, went to bed at 9 or 10, and listened to a guided meditation as I fell asleep. I was not only free from all symptoms, but also filled with a sense of vitality, peace and happiness that I had no memory of having before.  Simple it seems.  Easy even.   But beneath these simple things lies many lifestyle changes and a shakeup of belief systems.  It also takes the kind of will power and energy that we already feel deficient it.  It’s simple, yes, but not so very easy.

Sometimes I need the reminders of why these things work… in so many words.  Always I remember the underlying lesson.  Always I remember about heavy metals, deficiencies, sensitivites, dysbiosis, candida, fungal and bacterial imbalance… years and years of research fuels the affirmations that I make, but sometimes, I need a little boost.  Sometimes I need to remember the exact why of it all.  Sometimes I need to get real with myself and remember that if I don’t get a different life with the same old choices.

I have the most intensly desire inducing memory of having total freedom not just from symptoms, but also from feeling like a slave to the “lifestyle” and a soldier against cravings.   Food became a side note to my life, a means to an end.  Yes, I enjoyed the food, I made things that tasted good, but all in all I left behind that feeling of need attached to it.  Meals were not the highlight anymore.  I didn’t need chocolate or coffee even, and could hardly remember why I ever thought that I needed them.  I was grateful for the immensity of the feeling of freedom that I had.  That it what I want to get back to.   I don’t just want to be disease free.  I want more than that.  I want to be back to the person that was so alive, so healthy that I stood out in a crowd.   I didn’t have to talk to people about how I lived because they were constantly asking about my skin… the thing they assumed was the source of my “looking so healthy.”  I want to be back to falling asleep easily, waking up refreshed and ready, and filled with a sense of possibility through the days.  I’m ready to let go of being irritable and tired, short with my family, fearful of doing things and tired of life.

We have never juiced before.  It’s something that I never really researched, seemed expensive and possibly unnecessary, but today we decided to give it a try.  Last year I watched a documentary called the The Gerson Miracle and juicing has been on the back of my mind ever since.  We are planting almost 1,000 square feet of vegetables and herbs right now and juicing seems like a reasonable choice for us at this point.  Miso soup with sea vegetables is another thing that I would really like to get into our lives, but I am taking it in chewable doses.  Right now I’m working to continue with going to bed at the same time every night, remembering to stay fully hydrated, drink my infusions and take my oils.  I am recommitting to eliminating the sugar completely and increasing my vegetable intake.

I’ve also started taking 2 teaspoons of Bragg’s raw apple cider vinegar mixed with a heaping teaspoon of raw honey, and 8oz of water.

Currently I have a series of days without pain and oppressive fatigue, but I’m still getting bouts of exhaustion, pain and general feelings of illness ever 5 days or so.  I’ve been without any pain relieving prescriptions for too long to count now.  Months I think.  I’m getting there, and oh god I swear when I get there I will not look back again.  I have learned my lesson.  Nothing that I want to eat, nothing that I want to not be bothered with is worth feeling like this.  I will do what it takes to be healthy and I will remember.  I wish so much that I had made some kind of journal of the process the last time, but it is what it is.  I am doing it now and I know that I will be damned if I forget again.

To our heath, Rebels, to our health.




Healing Fibromyalgia


I thought I would post a link to the mini documentary that I was the subject of a few years ago.

It began when I was contacted by a graduate student from the University of Texas who was wanting to make a documentary.  The premise was telling the story of surviving life in America as a family dealing with chronic, debilitating illness.  We did not know that during the course of the filming I would discover the secret and finally cure myself of said disease.

Perhaps it was putting a spot light on what we were dealing with, perhaps it was serendipity, I don’t know.  I’m just so very glad that it turned out to be called Healing Fibromyalgia rather than Living with Disease in America.  Oy.  I never watch it.  I haven’t watched it since the first time.  I think I have always been afraid of jinxing myself.  I think I have always been afraid, unwilling to look back for this reason.  This is why I could not write about healing from Fibro until I was in the deepest throws of it again.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason.  I have wanted to make this site for three years and I am finally doing it.  I am grateful to be making a journal of what it’s like to go through this, of what I have to do and what is hard to do.

Anyhow, here’s the video:

Ramblings for the week


I think I have a handle on the pain again.  It doesn’t come often anymore.  There are the threats, the little twinges that make want to panic… but so far I’ve kept them from going any further.  I’ve been taking the St. Johns Wort, Skullcap and Chloroxygen (have I mentioned that yet?) at least three times per day, and have just begun adding in Ashwaganda.

I’m tired.  Most all of the time, I’m tired.  I realize that I’m still not prioritizing sleep like I need to.  I stay up too late, despite what my body is saying about it.  I sleep in in the morning, but fitfully disturbed by the goings on, so that it doesn’t make a difference to how I feel.  I fail to take a nap when my body says that it’s necessary.

I am realizing how much I need sleep.  When I kicked the Fibromyalgia in 2008 sleep was a top priority.  I kept the lights off, sticking with candles, and this helped me realize when the day was over and it was time to let it go.  I rarely stayed up past 10, and usually went to bed just after the kids.  Silence is silence whether your awake for it or not, and the world did not come to an end when I put sleep as the number one priority.

I’ve been drinking a few cups of coconut water every day, and got a humidifier to help with staying hydrated.  It makes such a big difference.  Even when I think I’ve had enough, I always find that downing a quart of water or two when the pain starts to rise can make all the difference.

I remembered recently that in 2008, as I was coming out of the FM I was taking California Poppy pretty regularly.  I haven’t tried that this time, though I’m not sure why I feel resistant to it.  Strange.  I was so much sicker then than I’ve let myself get this time.  Stupid, really, to let myself get this far when I know how to make it gone, but it is what it is.  I couldn’t walk then.  I sometimes worried that the pain would rise and I would finally start to scream with it and not be able to stop.  I was afraid that the pain could literally break me in two.  That there would be no limit.  I think it was this fear that led me to the Buddhist writings on end of life pain.  The common depiction of cancer was all that I knew that was like the pain of Fibromyalgia, so that is where I started.  When I was diagnosed, almost two decades ago, no one knew what it was.  Now everyone knows.  There are drugs specifically for it.  Billboards and commercials. This scares me more I think.

I’ve been eating tamales from a cart in town.  I shouldn’t, and I know this.  I don’t know what is in them…. what kind of oil they use, what kind of corn, what contaminants could be in them.   It doesn’t matter really.  I know that cornflour it too taxing and I should stay away from it.  It’s just like me though, to get away with as much as I can.  It’s harder for me to convince myself of how much happier I am living a life of food deprivations, but filled with energy, vitality and ease of movement.  It’s too easy to fall into what I know.  To allow the pain, to accept it, to take the little pleasures where I can and believe that that is all that life can hold for me.

This week I’m focusing on keeping a quart jar of water with me all the time and refilling it at least three times before I go to bed.  And of not trying to drink two of them when I should be asleep already 🙂

I’m focusing on the life I want rather than the cheap thrills of food that will wear me down and entertainment that will keep me up when I should be sleeping.  I’m grateful that I dumped the TV so many years ago that I won’t ever bring it back and there is one less obstacle.

I’m seeing a physical therapist that is going to help me design a “workout” that my body can handle without causing pain… stretches and bends, simple things to begin.  We found one that would trade with us so that we don’t have to try to finance more things for my health.

I ran out of fermented cod liver oil about a week ago and I notice the difference.  I’m glad that the new bottles just arrived.  It gives me energy and eases the pain when it threatens to flare.

I really need to get back on with the herbal infusions.  I ordered the herbs from Mountain Rose Herbs, and they are on their way.  It’s just a matter of making the brews each day and then drinking them.

Sleep, water, coconut juice, water, herbs, water, sleep, water… recipe for better days…  I don’t know how I did it all before, not knowing how it would turn out… not knowing if I’d ever be free from the misery, because it is so hard now, even though I’ve done it already… even though I know that I will be free of it again.

To our health, Rebels